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Regret and Lost

► Saturday, March 26, 2011 | 11:43 PM

Sometimes you look at them wearing their uniforms

and you tell yourself

that should have been mine

i could have made it in

so close yet so far

don't get me wrong, i love my school

but i could have done better

having score that can make it in but choosing not to is one thing

but not getting the score and thus didn't try to appeal is another

i want to stop being the person in the second category

choosing a course you want to take is not like choosing a school you want to go to, i realised

the stress comes to you way before you even take the exams

do i really want to study psychology? and try to aim for med?

is that really what i want?

if not, what do i really want to do?

i don't know

i really don't

then you start feeling loserish about yourself

especially with bad results and stuffs

the morale is so much lower.

then you try to talk to people

and they push you away

can't blame them, they have their own lives.

and then you clam up

this is life.

full of regrets

full of hardtomake decisions

full of fear

full of uncertainty

Yet another failure

► Wednesday, March 23, 2011 | 10:57 PM

I'm so pissed that i feel so numb

I'm so irritated that i can't really cry

whattheshit

lanxin you have failed again

awesome

give yourself one awesome clap

face it man

you are nothing but a piece of poopie

better buck up soon

MOVED

► Sunday, March 20, 2011 | 12:27 AM

for godknowshowlong

http://becauseiwasjaded.tumblr.com/

haha

► Monday, March 7, 2011 | 9:24 PM

i should get a life

and make my blog happier

it feels so sad every time i read it

but since it's my blog, it reflects my life and tada, there you go, my life is sad

camped at home and tried to mug (but failed) today

no, i'm not a ponstar. it sounds wrong

imagine what will happen if i had put my phone on speaker mode

"hi ponstar"

yea, that's the first line my friend said when she called

if my mum had heard that, she would have believed it for real

afterall, she once told me that sometimes, my friends know me better than she does

not all the time though, i'm still the girl she knows, usually

speaking of not going to school

my mum suggested it yesterday

since school end at 10am today due to the wonderful results the batch before us got

i hope we'll do so well that the juniors end up with a day off

no, i do not want the break, after all, i have 8 months of holidays waiting for me after my As

but it's a good sign, if they get a day off

i'm trying to read times now while trying not to go onto facebook

i made a deal with my ogm (yea like wts)

whoever goes onto fb first will lose and have to treat or buy the other person stuffs (or something along that line)

i should make a mental note to treat him when i score well for my exams

speaking of times, this remind me of the conversation i had with my lil sister

apparently she wanted to take a look at times (of all the books i have)

and told me to lend it to her after i was done,

well i took the magz, tore the piece of paper securing the magz and passed it to her

2mins later, she returned it

hah

i bet she didn't read it

must have been shocked at the size of the words or something

i think my doc is angry at me going to him for mcs most of the time

ohnoes

know what,

i went online today to find out how i can study better

and in the end, i was so amazed at all the stuffs i found and ended up online for an hour or so

well done. so that goes my supposed to be productive day

maybe i should take tomorrow off too

hahas, kidding

right, got to go.

bye

Snap out of it

► Sunday, March 6, 2011 | 4:18 PM

i think i pulled a muscle. ow. it hurts bad.

clive's mum rubbed my shoulder for me and told me that i had tense shoulders

hahas, it's nothing new actually, i haven't relaxed for a really long time

somehow i realised, i have always lifted my shoulders up a little, just a little

it's as if i am trying to hold on to something.

i wouldn't call studying a burden but it somehow tires me out

ohwell, studying for examinations has never been fun since the beginning

anyway, for those who care

i have decided to snap out of it

being sad over that kinda stuffs drained too much of my energy

i know it'll take some time as always but i will try and focus (:

hurrah

oh guess what, i managed to dig out all of the notes i need for MCTs

what an accomplishment for me

every single topic has been taken out from somewhere, clipped with the rest for the subject and left on the box beside my table

now it's time to mug and mug

i doubt i will be online for the next 3 weeks then

or maybe i will

seeing that my notes aren't all filled :/

oh and, lm ah, i sincerely apologise for having negative thoughts about stuffs

like how i thought that going for ls and bxb was totally a waste of time.

i know my life should be balanced

i will try my best to balance it out

yea, i should stop with all the excuses.

hmm, i think i better go

until next time then

xoxo

crushed crush

► 12:01 AM

it sucks

i didn't know i was like you know, having a crush on someone

and when i did

it ended

so quickly

yet so impactful

it hurts

shit

i wanna cry

but i can't

damn

he brightens up my day

but now, i don't know how to smile when i see him

no i mean, i smile

but it's not from the bottom of my heart

at least, i know it's not

what should i do?

MCTs is coming

i need to focus

focus

i shouldn't have called out to him that day

then i would have still been in my happyland

now, i can't even bring myself to live in denial

i should stop sleeping my time away

and start getting back on my feet

focus lanxin, focus.

ily, and i guess, you'll never know